Before we get to the characteristics of “toxic” shame, let’s discuss the difference between shame and guilt. Think of guilt as “I did something wrong” and shame as “I am wrong.” Guilt targets a person’s specific actions (such as intentionally or unintentionally causing harm to others). Because it relates to your very sense of self, shame can cause deeper and more intense feelings that can linger even after you’ve tried to positively alter your behavior.
“Toxic” shame represents that deep-rooted sense of being “wrong” at your core. It can alter the way you view yourself and negatively affect your sense of self-worth.
So, where does toxic shame come from? Disappointment and disapproval about who you are as a person (and not necessarily about specific actions) can breed toxic shame, leading to an enduring sense of inadequacy and worthlessness.
Toxic shame can be caused by
- Abuse or neglect (verbal, physical or emotional)
- Caregivers with mental health issues or who are emotionally unavailable
- Domestic abuse
- Trauma
- Inconsistent childhood discipline
- Mental health issues such as depression or anxiety
- Being a victim of bullying or gaslighting
- Rejection
When you are continuously exposed to negative messages about yourself as a person (i.e. “you’re lazy…you’re stupid, etc.), the natural response is to internalize this information. Buying into these harmful messages can lead to emotional distress (anger, depression, anxiety, etc.), unhealthy perfectionism, avoidance or withdrawal from others and harmful coping strategies (self-harm, disordered eating, substance abuse, etc.).
The antidote to toxic shame involves strengthening self-worth to override the harmful messages that you’ve internalized over time. The following tips provide some direction for how to begin:
- Identify negative self-talk: Spend 48 hours writing down the harmful messages that occur in your mind.
- Explore the origin of negative self-talk: Although this won’t make harmful self-talk “go away,” it can be useful to determine whose voice you’re hearing (mom? dad? sibling?, etc.) when you have thoughts like “you’ve always been lazy.”
- Practice cognitive restructuring and/or cognitive defusion. Take time to investigate and reframe the negative self-talk that’s occurring.
- Define—and honor—your values: Learn to use your personal values (and not what others have told you in the past) as a compass for how to live.
- Practice meditation: Try meditations like this one that address feelings of shame.
- Pursue positive relationships: Make time to deepen connections with people who build you up, rather than tear you down.
- Learn more about shame. Get started by reading Healing the Shame That Binds You and watching Dr. Brené Brown’s Listening to Shame TED Talk.)
Engaging in cognitive behavioral therapy can also help you to overcome toxic shame and embrace your authentic self. Contact Travco Behavioral Health today to get started!
