“Good vibes only!” “Always think positive!” “Don’t worry, be happy!” You might know someone whose tendency to “look on the bright side” is taken to extremes. This person may minimize or ignore negative events, fail to validate any opinion or feeling that isn’t deemed positive and hide their own painful emotions. This is when positivity becomes toxic.
While there are certainly benefits to having a positive attitude, rigid positivity crosses over into toxic territory when a person overgeneralizes the optimistic mindset to all people and situations. This person believes positivity should be maintained no matter how dire a situation may be.
Life is messy. Events can be complex and painful. Negative feelings are a natural part of being human. Denying these facts can be problematic because toxic positivity…
- encourages suppression of negative feelings. Negative feelings do not just disappear. When ignored or pushed down, these feelings tend to grow and result in issues like depression, anxiety, substance abuse, muscle tension, fatigue, etc.
- leads to superficial relationships. Authentic relationships require some level of personal disclosure and vulnerability. Masking/hiding natural negative emotions creates a barrier to truly knowing another person.
- fosters shame. Toxic positivity sends the message that negative feelings are not okay and that there is something inherently wrong with a person experiencing painful emotions.
If you struggle with toxic positivity…
Understand that the opposite of toxic positivity doesn’t mean wallowing in a pit of despair and self-pity. Most things in life aren’t black or white/all or nothing. The same goes for feelings and attitudes. If you notice signs of toxic positivity in yourself, here are some ways to work on shifting toward a more balanced mindset:
- Help normalize the full range of human emotions. It’s unreasonable to expect all happiness and joy all the time. Act as an example of a more realistic attitude by expressing to others that it’s okay to not be okay.
- Give painful feelings permission to exist. Feelings, just like thoughts, are part of a constantly changing internal experience that all humans have. Begin by labeling the feeling and reminding yourself, “It’s okay to be feeling this. It’s part of the human experience.” Notice the change in your body when you approach ALL feelings with warmth and acceptance rather than rejection and avoidance.
- Seek to listen to/understand others. Rather than dismissing another person’s negative feelings with a “good vibes only” response, let the person know you are listening and that it’s okay to feel any emotion they might be experiencing.
If you need help coping with others’ toxic positivity…
- Be assertive. Speak up about how you’re affected by this person’s words/behavior. Though it can be uncomfortable, this can be a learning experience for the person. Try something like, “It feels really invalidating and hurtful when I’m struggling, and you tell me to just think positive.”
- Ask for what you need up front. If you’re not looking for advice, say so. If you just want to be heard, say so. Try something like, “I’m going to share with you about a really tough time I’m going through. Before I do, though, please know that I’m not looking for advice but instead I’d just like to have a friend to listen.”
- Recognize that more than one feeling can exist at once. Understand that you can feel, for example, both disappointed and relieved simultaneously. This allows you some psychological space to accept your emotions regardless of how another person responds to your feelings.
Navigating hard feelings can be tough, but dealing with toxic positivity can make it even more difficult. With the suggestions above, you can work toward your own healthier relationship with feelings and begin to share how to do so with others.
If you’re in need of support in handling emotions, the skilled clinicians at Travco Behavioral Health can help. Contact us today at 330.286.0050!
